No Hope...

 "Hope ends when you stop believing & Life stops when you stop dreaming!"….

For me it was November 16th 2001, this was the day all my dreams fell apart simply because I was not ready when the call came, FEAR gripped my heart and the first thought was for my family and what would be the best way to keep us all together because it is easier to handle a crisis when loved ones are around…so I did not answer the call I chose to stay close and keep the family together but little did I know that I had no family, that the person I chose to stand by me through thick and thin checked out…I was alone and did not even realize it.

That was when I stopped "believing" then ten years later I stopped dreaming…so here I am six years after the separation and I still can't seem to put anything together, I have lost my ability to "believe and even dream" all has gone and I can't even pretend to begin to know how to get it back. Making a few halfhearted attempts to dream and believe I find myself empty and incapable to keep this up I am totally disheartened, done even tired. So here I am no longer trying to make sense of it just entering a stage of acceptance and that this is truly it and that somehow I must take what is being offered and be glad that anyone would give me a chance… being on the losing end for a total of sixteen years is a sobering thought to come to grips with. I do not care anymore and I will not pretend to…all I can do is accept was is and keep finding the strength to get up and do what must be done to finish getting the last kid through…then it's just me and no one else.

I have to decide where I want to live out the rest of my existence, I was thinking about Hawaii but it is too expensive…the only requirement is no more snow…so this is where I find myself after many let downs and reimagining's and a few restarts…and that is at the end,,, this time it's for real because my heart can't take anymore…this is the best I have felt in so long…!!!

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"the leaves were falling down the sky was crying"

Hope..Not Much Left...

This morning in my daily readings I stumbled across three very pause inducing writings the first I was in the middle of doing it (reminiscing)...which turns out to be a killer if energy and time. The words reminded me to be present and be here today in the moment...and the other (biblical)...things to the naked eye may seem impossible but with God The Creator all things are possible...and the last was to not lose hope that it will come and in fact it's on the way...I just have to "stay the course"... 

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at any moment your life can be resurrected, just open your eyes and believe.

Stop....

This is what I must do...I went around the world to end up at the same place I started...lesson learned...things will not change until I change and right now I have no reason to....so not even enduring humiliation get me impulse the only conclusion is it just won't happen simply because I do not want it...

Connecting With My Purpose...

It's been a while I happened to be wandering in a desert for a bit and I took some time out in order to better focus and center myself and I found This blog.
http://www.thelifechangenetwork.com/lifes-path-revealed-by-hearts-illumination/
It helped me with a few things I needed to work out and refocus on...hope you get something out of it like I did...
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A Second Wave...

Wednesday...an odd day to begin my musings but I guess as good as any.
I am so in love with the idea of a new world and a new way of living that I can't stop thinking about it.
These past few days everything looks greener richer, nature has a certain glow as though it's keeping some great secret and is enjoying it.
My life journey so far hasn't been ideal but it hasn't been cruel either. All my life I've had a sense of being shielded from certain things or maybe I just intuitively knew when to stop. This level of awareness is the second wave and a new start but this time I want to be more involved in the process and not so hands off as I remember being such as letting "it" be...not any more I must take a much greater role this time around..! Make it a great day...moment by moment...

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I Can't Believe It...

    I can't believe I did what I just did but I did it. This is something that I knew I had to do but was always afraid to and every year I had an excuse. This year I have run out of excuses.

I did it...with the biggest fear in my heart I did it...soon I will share more but be happy for I am on my way!!!

--
"the leaves were falling down the sky was crying"

Moving Forward...

The closer I get to who I am...in other words the more genuine I become the easier it is to do what I must and things begin to flow as they haven't done in a very long time. Today there is a difference in the journey and that is that I am involved and more aware of my part in it as before when things seemed to be "happening" to me now I see clearly why...and it makes a lot more sense...

Been A Long Time...

    "It's been a while"...the lirycs to one of my favorite songs, from my dark days...

I never really imagined that thoughts could materialize until I read some where that everything we see was once someone's dream (thought). So at the beginning of this year I focused on changing the music I listen to and what I watch and what I do...and have done things very different than before when all I thought about was security and stability when all it gave me was frustration, dissatisfaction and disappointment in the end. So now I seek opportunity, fluidity and the "new" the things that I avoided for far too long. To say that it is more challenging is true but there is a level of satisfaction that I haven't felt since that day I sat on the window ledge in the living room at 28 Darymple st and on the floor were three denim jackets that I was painting on and a mix blaring through the sound system that I put together...that was one of the happiest moments of my adult life when everything I loved doing was coming together at that very moment...!

So now I incorporate as much of that moment in my daily life...

--
"the leaves were falling down the sky was crying"

Important Lesson...

I realized that I had a few things a bit mixed up...but having the people I do around me helped me to see a very important piece to the puzzle we should all be trying to discover, us and each other. I was busy trying to be who I want to be...future...when what I should be focusing on is being who I am and let that unfold and become the future...
Love getting little revelations..!

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Light...

As clear as this light breaks through the clouds many things become clear. The moment is revealed ...

Clear...

This time I'm only paying attention to what is "to do" and nothing else...no other way but to live the moment..!

Revelation: One

Yeah, today I realized a few things. The first was the "reasons" that we allow and what they really are hiding. Yes we tend to call them reasons and most are valid but why do they have the power to stop us and discourage us from getting to take the first step that will eventually take us to where we truly want to be in life. I know them well they have circled in my head for a while now but ignore them and take back bit by bit "my time" I can see the importance of doing so. The more I do what I want to do, granted in my spare time, you know that time we waste watching other people "live" on television. Yeah those hours, I actually did the math and realized I was wasting a total of 30 hours per week that's like almost 4 hour a day!!!! Think! The next time you say "I have no time!" Where can you switch or cut out and do something instead of sitting and "watching" others live. Pick a hobby...something you enjoy doing for at least one hour a day and see how much you can get done and eventually "take back" your life...and all those reasons you once had start to fade...

Learn From Constant Revelation...

Well...this is where the "rubber meets the road" finally. After much revelation and consideration I have come to the obvious truth that I have been running from for far too long and that is to be content and that "what will be will be". To be honest with oneself is a great treasure worth accepting.
No matter what I want, the truth is I do not have what it takes to become a fashion designer or work in that industry. That was a truth that has taken me 9 years to finally accept and I am ok with it. I must admit that I have a knack for working in low level behind the scene jobs where the pressure is not "the job" and I am allowed to just be...these have proven to be the best work experiences in my life. I can not even express the freedom I feel and the burden being lifted for me confessing this in such a public place. Now the trick will be learning how to stop listening to the "crazy thoughts" that have kept me from seeing this liberating truth..! I guess now that it is all in the open, may not prove that difficult.
..."The truth will set you free"...
Now knowing why this is my all time favorite quote...the worst lies are the ones we tell ourselves...

Tweet from @motivational

@motivational: Everyone enjoys doing the kind of work for which he is best suited. -Napoleon Hill

*Now all I need is to find it!!!

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New...

All new...light illuminating the obvious no need to struggle but coming to acceptance...in turn growth...putting it down and stepping back to observe what has always been there...

Soon...

Hey! I need a getaway...NYC...maybe...?

Color...

I have started adding color and I always get a bit nervous...due to the fact that these colors may not exist in the fabrics that I could get my hands on...here's to hoping...

Finally...!

Here I sit finally with enough time on my hands to do what it is I love to do and that is sketch.
For some time now I have been staying away but since everything is getting closer to becoming "real" I might as well get some more than the twenty sketches I already have, especially when I heard that Valentino had 65 pieces he had to cut down to 45 for the show! I don't think I'll have that many but I do want to make at least the four main collections I have planned.
Soon I will post some more progress in color...wow it feels good doing this!