"Hope ends when you stop believing & Life stops when you stop dreaming!"….
For me it was November 16th 2001, this was the day all my dreams fell apart simply because I was not ready when the call came, FEAR gripped my heart and the first thought was for my family and what would be the best way to keep us all together because it is easier to handle a crisis when loved ones are around…so I did not answer the call I chose to stay close and keep the family together but little did I know that I had no family, that the person I chose to stand by me through thick and thin checked out…I was alone and did not even realize it.
That was when I stopped "believing" then ten years later I stopped dreaming…so here I am six years after the separation and I still can't seem to put anything together, I have lost my ability to "believe and even dream" all has gone and I can't even pretend to begin to know how to get it back. Making a few halfhearted attempts to dream and believe I find myself empty and incapable to keep this up I am totally disheartened, done even tired. So here I am no longer trying to make sense of it just entering a stage of acceptance and that this is truly it and that somehow I must take what is being offered and be glad that anyone would give me a chance… being on the losing end for a total of sixteen years is a sobering thought to come to grips with. I do not care anymore and I will not pretend to…all I can do is accept was is and keep finding the strength to get up and do what must be done to finish getting the last kid through…then it's just me and no one else.
I have to decide where I want to live out the rest of my existence, I was thinking about Hawaii but it is too expensive…the only requirement is no more snow…so this is where I find myself after many let downs and reimagining's and a few restarts…and that is at the end,,, this time it's for real because my heart can't take anymore…this is the best I have felt in so long…!!!
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"the leaves were falling down the sky was crying"
