I think about things too much, I don’t want to seem excessive but I end up being. This brings me to the point of facing my misconceptions about most of the views I hold.
I make comments about others but very rarely look at myself, but I am very quick to stop others from doing what I just did, judging others.
I write things that in the grand scheme of things don’t really matter and I should just shut up and live. As difficult as I make it, it really is not. I cannot be as others and just simply move on; for example: I know why my wife and I are not together and it is simply because I gave up pursuing my dream I simply let circumstance take over. I wonder what it must have been like for her to see me loose all desire and vision for my life. This may seem like an over simplification but I will not go into detail due to the fact that it would become a novel and I don’t want to write one, at least not right now.
As fatherhood became part of me I chose to become the one I did not have because based on my experience it is the one I longed for the most and that was being around and present. I grew up hating any male that had abandoned their children. Growing up in the seventies around “Latino” men who slept with anyone that would let them gave me a great distaste for my own gender in fact I disliked both male and female. In my eyes they were both guilty. As humans we grow up and give in and “fall in” love, some survive others become addicts and still others just keep pushing through even when everyone around them knows that there is nothing left, I guess that is “hope” or fear of being alone. I for one have come full circle and realized my distaste for humans and their desperation and all around nasty ways. Yes I know it sounds bad but let me correct that and say that I have found some good ones some worth cultivating a relationship with and actually in my circle I have found a total of …well let’s not get nasty…but yes not all but a large percentage of humans are just holding their place.
To some, what I just wrote may seem stupid but like all of you I have my reasons as unreasonable as they may seem to you.
I am simply being honest and honestly searching within myself to see things more clearly and therefore becoming aware of more through day to day living and may arrive at a more balanced conclusion. People haven’t failed me yet as I sit and predict their next move, not because I possess some super natural ability it’s that humans are so predictable and once you get to know someone’s habits then you can guess what’s next. We rarely change what we are comfortable with and even what we are most uncomfortable with. This is often referred to as “human nature” when it’s really just bad habits and neuroses and addictions that have glommed on to our minds and have convinced us that these thoughts are “us” but we have been dragged away from our ‘genuine selves” now we must embark on this journey of rediscovery of our “true selves” and that should lead us to our ‘genuine self”…..enjoy the trip!
