New Discoveries..

Today I had a peaceful revelation and attended another funeral. I was caught up with many distractions and had believed that I still wanted to design. Today I stood over the casket that lay six feet under holding in it a dream that proved it self false and misleading kept me spellbound for many years but today I laid it to rest covered it with dirt and laid flowers at the foot of the tombstone "designer dreams". Don't cry I knew this day would come it must along with the big house, pool and two cars in the driveway and the kids running around and taking great summer vacations with my wife and three kids.....this funeral was a sad one but something else greater will take it's place. I will be the true person I was meant to be and even now find myself becoming. Thankful and grateful for everything...
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New Eyes...

I have been debating lately about 3 choices, going back and forth in my head....so I did the math..and every time I do the math I come up with zero. This means definitely the suv is out.
Simply based on the numbers. The next two are feasible, you know could be done.
#1 is 60" dotted pattern paper so I can make patterns and bring some of my sketches to 3D.
#2 is a MacBookPro this is so I can feel good about myself and look cool when I sit in Starbucks and look all important as I sit there.
I know you all will probably go for the pattern paper but there is a catch in order to create a garment I would need a Wolf dress form size 2 fashion industry standard the cost is $945.00 US.
The paper cost $150 including shipping total cost $1095.00.
New MacBookPro..$1877.98.
Based on the numbers I should just go for the dress making stuff but then I actually have to use the stuff and make a few dresses but is that what I want any more? If you would have asked me 3 months a go the form and the paper win. Today I hesitate..I know I will use the laptop on a daily basis. The choice is easy it's when I think about the consequence of each choice that I ask my self "is it worth it"?
Going by my track record I will probably do nothing and take a one week vacation to Florida and dream of what my life would be if I were rich..and lived in Florida..


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Big Choice..

It's been a while, many thoughts coming and going. When things don't go my way I tend to let it drag me down and being there all seems to go black the thoughts that enter are black.
All becomes very extreme and I believe that nothing can be good again. In my darkest hour a little light blinks and I run with it instead I should just be appreciative that I was able to see it for the moment that it is revealed. I am slowly learning to take it all in stride and enjoy the ride. Stay the course and follow my dream..no matter how ridiculous it may seem. It's mine and I want it.
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I Read This On Another Blog!?

http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2011/02/20/character-of-the-week-petrus/

this is something that is happening to me and reading it was like getting a rude awakening..now i can't go back to sleep...UGH....Thanks Mr. Coelho...

I Read This In A Tweet..

@AncientProverbs: Begin to weave & God will give you the thread. -German Proverb

I want to believe this with all my heart but something holds me back....I know people that live like this and according to them they don't believe in God. In my case I want to start creating clothes and I started the process and some stuff showed up but then I was cut off and the flow stopped. Now I don't even want it any more so now I just float around convincing myself God wants me here in this state for now....
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Sometimes.......2

Then when I am done and about to loose hope, this light shines and for a moment I regain some hope and become a bit more thankful for what I have. Then I try to ask and obtain a firm foot hold but the light goes back to the peep hole shine as if I were not allowed more than this(peephole) as though for some reason I am allowed to hope biut never have. Like this lyric from one of my favorite songs in the 80's...."You're the fastest runner but you are not allowed to win"..unfortunately this has been the "verse" that seems to follow me no matter how positive I become the waves come and wash it all away. I will wait for the day I have permission to do and not get slapped down....
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Sometimes.......

On any given day this is what I see. Sometimes I can see beyond it but most days living "feels" like this is all you'll ever have. That the light will not shine more than this. I know better but sometimes it does not seem to be enough but it has to be.
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